I’ve been pretty depressed lately. Maybe its the state of things, maybe its seasonal depression, maybe its the blizzard that kept me inside all day pacing the few dozen square feet I call home. I know some of it is real, the state of the world is menacing and suffocating. I also know some of this is chemical. I know some of it is induced by my leaning into the feeling of being depressed because its snowing and the world is burning and I haven’t left the house yet today. I want to escape for a bit. How about a video game? Go be someone else for a few hours. Yeah, that’s not avoidant or indulgent, its totally healthy! Go seep into the couch and play your games. Pretend the real world isn’t here for a second.
My recent video game obsession is Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. I was seven whenStar Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith came out. The one with hot Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christianson) and hot Padamé (Natalie Portman), so needless to say I was a fan as a kid. Like many of my young boyish interests, I shed them in adolescence in favor of seeming like a normal girl, but have returned to them in my adulthood in a sort of reclamation of my lost years of boyhood. That and I’d been playing a lot of dark games with stories of damned protagonists fighting through fantastical wastelands. I wanted something lighter for a change, something hopeful.
Open on an industrial planet deep in the galaxy. The timeline is somewhere between the first three movies the other first three movies; Cal Kestis, a lone Jedi, is in hiding. I was immediately struck by how unfortunately evergreen Star Wars is. The battle is put simply: good vs evil. Republic vs Empire. Jedi vs. Dark side. Specifically there is a massive Empire hell bent on power, control and depletion of natural resources with no consideration for displacement of communities to get what it wants. And they have a bunch of masked goons patrolling planets and killing civilians. Sound familiar? I bet a lot of the Sith Lords are on the Intergalactic Epstein List.
blue lightsaber like a goddamn hero
I allowed myself to become Cal for a moment. How fun would it be to run around the galaxy doing back flips and using the force to shove Storm Troopers off buildings. Not to mention a lightsaber is the coolest weapon we’ve dreamed up in fact or fiction.
My depressive anxious mind began to wander. Is this the future? Is this predictive? The Empire purged the Jedis and now they’re left to hide or fight their way back to peace? No matter which Star Wars film you watch or game you play, it seems like the Empire is always winning. Why is the Empire always winning!? Now Cal’s efforts feel futile. This is unrealistic. If this wasn’t a video game where I can respawn a million times after death, Cal would be long dead. Not to mention, I know that even if I beat this game, the Empire is going to return.
Dread seeps in. Outside this video game is a world that scares and depresses me. I feel clouded by it. I feel unshakably like the better times aren’t coming. I have no excitement for the future. The Jedis may be purged and the Empire will of course return.
I tried to quiet my mind by returning to the game once more. Cal is in a flashback with a Jedi Master teaching him the ways of the Force. The Force is a source of power and connectivity that Jedi’s can access through meditation and emotional vulnerability. When those channels are opened so too are the channels for regret, anger, shame and violence. The Dark Side stands with open arms, ready to envelope you and protect you from your own vulnerability and pain.
Perhaps this is why Star Wars is one of the most popular stories of all time. While it is a story of the good Republic vs the evil Empire, it is also the story of a hundred small internal battles. Moreover, the large external battle is created by the loss of a hundred small internal battles. The only thing that makes a Jedi become one with the Dark Side is the willingness to give in to the anger and hatred.
We all fight this battle every day. I feel it in myself. When my depression looms and anxiety clutches at my chest reminding me of all the reasons I’m worthless, should give up on my dreams and that its all futile in a burning world anyways; I have a choice. I can lean into the darkness or I can seek love and connection.
When the Epstein files go un punished, the CEO’s dump more toxins into the oceans, the elite skip out on taxes; we can succumb to the dark side. We can rage bait online and fight strangers in comment sections; we can say something biting to a friend just because we are angry; we can isolate and torture storm troopers on a remote island to get every ounce of pain out of our system. Or we can connect with one another, the greater good and our own vulnerability. When in doubt, think like a Jedi. It would be a lot easier if I had a lightsaber and could throw ICE agents against walls. But for now, gratitude lists will have to suffice. May the force be with all of you.
SONG OF THE WEEK:Many Times by Dijon
I love this song and it always puts me in a good mood when I need a pick me up! Enjoy!
As always, if you’re trans and ticket price is a barrier to entry for you, hit me up on Instagram @nicocarney or here and I’ll do what I can to get you in for free or a reduced price.
Last but not least, watch BOYS CLUB! All five episodes of season 1 are out now on Youtube and you could watch all five in about 30 minutes. Perfect for your lunch break.
NICO’S FEBRUARY BOOKSHELF:
Blitzed: Drugs in The Third Reich by Norman Ohler. I’ve been wanting to read this book for a while. Simply put: the Nazis were on meth. This book paints a portrait of the historical trajectory of drugs from the late 1800’s through the second world war and specifically how the Nazi party used the popularity of party drugs after WWI to persecute Jewish communities and others, while mass producing pharmaceuticals and getting high on their own supply. I have been craving historical touchstones to help better understand what the hell is happening in the world right now. Who knows what drugs our officials are on.
I really appreciate your vulnerability, Nico, and I relate to your struggle. Spring is on the way- warm sunlight and flowers will recharge us, i hope.
Being grateful and comical are Jedi moves in these traumatic and depressing times. Thanks for shining your light in this present darkness- helping us remember that we are not alone.
I really appreciate your vulnerability, Nico, and I relate to your struggle. Spring is on the way- warm sunlight and flowers will recharge us, i hope.
Being grateful and comical are Jedi moves in these traumatic and depressing times. Thanks for shining your light in this present darkness- helping us remember that we are not alone.