Hi Nico! Any advice on how to act normal in a barbershop? For the past few years I’ve been getting haircuts from my boyfriend (also trans) but it takes him a really long time and also I kind of just want a professional haircut. However, I’m anxious about going to a barber bc I’m six months on T, don’t pass most of the time and don’t know any of the men’s haircut terminology. Any help would be appreciated.
When I moved to Brooklyn in 2021, I was a lesbian flirting with they/them pronouns. My hair was, always has been and often still is a sensitive subject for me. I regularly have stress dreams where my hair is crazy, or long or shaped like a mushroom. Any queer person knows to arrive at a haircut you love, you must first try on several that don’t quite work.
Since I was a kid I wanted a boy haircut. Not a short haircut. A boy haircut. The hair salon was always a point of contention. I would tell him not to blow dry my hair because I couldn’t stand the site of my little 10 year old coconut head all blown out.
Please don’t blow dry my hair it looks so good flat like this…
When I cut my hair short again for the first time since childhood when I came out as a lesbian in 2018, I struggled to find someone to cut my hair. First there was the guy who did the initial chop, who asked me before he cut my ponytail “you didn’t just go through a breakup or something drastic did you?” Well… Then there was the nice woman at the salon in my college town who understood the assignment half the time. The other half I felt closer to a soccer mom with a new short cut. Then I moved to New York briefly in 2019 and saw a Russian barber in the East Village who gave me a $20 haircut. Sometimes it was a great haircut and sometimes it was exactly what I paid for.
When I moved to Brooklyn in 2021, I decided to try the barbershop closest to my apartment. I booked with a barber at random - let’s call him John - and I went in for my first haircut. He was cordial, chatty and wanted to do a good job. He explained the patterns my hair made and why he needed to cut a certain way. I liked the haircut he gave me and it was down the block. Finally, I’d found a barber I liked.
I saw him at this shop two or three times. Then I went to make an appointment and couldn’t find his name on the sign up form. I messaged the barbershop on Instagram and asked if he still worked there. I was not about to lose this barber. Someone from the barbershop messaged me back detailing how John had an explosive fight with the management, how he wasn’t a good coworker and would give rushed haircuts to get more clients in.
I didn’t care. I found John’s personal Instagram and messaged him asking if he went to a new salon. He told me he’s opening his own spot not far from the old place and he’d be open in a few months. When he opened the new shop, I was among his first customers.
For almost a year, this man cut my hair. I got so many compliments from friends and strangers. I sent all the barbershop-going friends in my life to John. By six months in, I’d referred at least three to four people to his regular clientele.
My only qualm with this guy wasn’t even something I could blame him for. I met him when I was still going by my old name - remember I was a lesbian flirting with they/them pronouns. But over the year I saw this guy, my life changed dramatically. I came out as trans, changed my name, started testosterone. And for a while the only person in my life who called me anything but Nico was this barber. I didn’t know how to tell him. I was too nervous to explain myself to him or ask him to call me something else. Thankfully because I’d referred so many people, my sweet friend Aidan filled him in when John brought me up.
The next time I saw John he called me Nico and he told me Aidan told him and he was sorry he didn’t know. I said its okay I didn’t tell you, you couldn’t have known.
Then the haircuts started to slip. He cut me way too short before I did my first ever Netflix is a Joke taping. He stopped listening to what I was asking for. I wasn’t super happy with my haircuts.
Then to make matters worse mid haircut he started to talk about how he knew me before and was using my old name. John is from Eastern Europe - I’ll chalk some of this up to a language and cultural barrier. But nonetheless, this wasn’t the most comfortable haircut I’ve ever gotten.
I was in a spiral about finally living my full life everywhere except this guy’s barber chair. I took the coward’s way out - I stopped seeing him cold turkey. I blocked his Instagram after he tried to message me and see if I was coming in. When he asked a friend where I was, he very smartly said Nico moved to LA. So if you ever meet John… I live in LA. I still hide when I pass his barbershop, even if I’m on the bus.
After that I did a standup show hosted inside a queer barbershop called Otis & Finn. The audience were the barbers and friends. I started going there after because all the barbers already knew I’m trans because they’d seen my set. That’s always my favorite way for strangers to know me.
For the last few years, I’ve been seeing my buddy Ashton at Hairrari, another queer owned barbershop. Ashton is incredible, he’s a fellow trans guy and its my first genuinely relaxed barbershop experience. I know I’m going to get a good haircut, talk to my friend, and won’t feel anxious about being a bro in the barbershop.
Now to more concretely answer your question, my friend: Shoutout to your boyfriend for cutting your hair, but I agree its great to turn to a professional for such important matters. As you could see in my diatribe above, that first year on T was a nightmare for me with barbershop and haircuts. My fear was always if I go to a salon they’ll give me a feminine haircut, but if I go to a traditional barbershop maybe I’ll feel out of place or get misgendered. Isn’t being trans awesome!! My advice to you is to seek out a queer barbershop - they know what they’re doing! If you can find a professional transmasc barber, you should feel right at home. If you have to opt for a traditional hyper masculine barbershop, this is the terminology I’m familiar with: I used to do short on the sides with longer on the top so I would ask for a “2” on the sides and “clean up” the top. The 2 refers to the size of the clippers. A 1 will shave all the way down buzz cut style, a 2 gives a little more hair, a 3 a little more. I think it goes up to 4. Reference pictures can be helpful if you want to avoid talking at all. Hang in there! You’ll find someone good. Thanks for the question my friend, be well!
As always, if ticket price is a barrier to entry for you (especially if you are trans) please fill out this form and I will do my best to get you in! Comp tickets are first come first serve and can be limited depending on the venue.
Last but not least, watch BOYS CLUB! All five episodes of season 1 are out now on Youtube and you could watch all five in about 30 minutes. Perfect for your lunch break.
NICO’S APRIL BOOKSHELF:
Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned a Generation of Women Against Themselves by Sophie Gilbert. I know I just said I wanted fiction recs and thank you so much to everyone who sent one! They’ve been added to my list. I heard about this book on a podcast and really anything that looks at our world through the lens of gender is always interesting to me. This is a really interesting and current dissection of the 90’s-present and how porn and pop culture have used feminism and femininity as a weapon to turn women on themselves. Its really great so far.
for queer friendly barbershops:
https://strandsfortrans.org/
https://www.everywhereisqueer.com/