I was attacked at the beach. My body is fine, but my ego is severely bruised. Yes, fine, I was attacked by seagulls.
I spent the weekend in the north shore of Boston with my girlfriend Maddie at her parents’ place. On Monday we took the day off and went to the beach. We packed steak sandwiches with mayo and an amazing slaw her mom made for fish tacos the night before.
I sat in the sun and slowly unwrapped my steak sandwich as we gossiped about people we kind of know. Out of the corner of my eye - I saw a flash of white. I turned and locked eyes with an seagull diving towards me. I panicked, I yelped, I threw my sandwich at the incoming thief. A dozen seagulls flocked, I had no idea they were all watching and waiting. Within seconds my steak sandwich was gone.
I could not believe what just happened. I just got robbed by seagulls. Well, I threw my sandwich at the seagulls, but they attacked me. Well, they got close, but they would have attacked me. You should have seen how close this bird came to me!
It all happened so fast. I looked around to see the small remains of bread getting picked at by the surrounding seagulls. The people around me looked over to see the commotion. Is that a grown man getting attacked by seagulls?
I couldn’t believe my instincts. Throw the sandwich and yelp. I couldn’t even call what I did a yell or a scream. It was, and I quote, BAH! Take it! I can’t believe I did this with my sweet girlfriend next to me. Her valiant protector, a man afraid of birds. I guess this would be my reaction if I got mugged. Fight or flight? Scream and throw my steak sandwich.
Got amazing ice cream after and no seagulls in the area so everything worked out
A woman walked by with two children. One kid said “are the seagulls going to attack us” and the woman responded “no they’re only going for people eating sandwiches on the beach.” I sat in my shame and hunger for the next hour. I can’t believe I just made such a scene at the beach. Was it my fault for eating a sandwich? Am I at fault for packing a lunch? Is there a secret Boston beach code I’m not adhering to? There is no ego death quite like sitting on the beach, under the peering eyes of children, families and older ladies as your stomach growls for the now picked-apart and sand-covered steak sandwich.
About half an hour later a seven or eight year old boy named Massey (I know this because his mom reprimanded him several times) started provoking the seagulls with his soft pretzel. I watched with anticipation hoping this kid would take my place as the beach idiot. The seagulls started to descend and surround him. This kid doesn’t know who he’s up against. The seagulls started to fly at him, he screamed, threw his pretzel and fell into the sand. I stood up and yelled GET HIM! Look who’s the beach idiot now! Well, I didn’t really. But in my head, I totally dunked on this child. I ate my other snacks under the safety of a beach towel, like the courageous man I am. Pack a lunch and stay safe out there.
SONG OF THE WEEK:Sun Daze by Florida Georgia Line
This song goes great with getting attacked by seagulls at the beach.
As always, if ticket price is a barrier to entry for you (especially if you are trans) please fill out this form and I will do my best to get you in! Comp tickets are first come first serve and can be limited depending on the venue.
Last but not least, watch BOYS CLUB! All five episodes of season 1 are out now on Youtube and you could watch all five in about 30 minutes. Perfect for your lunch break.
This month has been going so fast I don’t even remember which of those books I read in May. IF ANY! Thank you for all the recs, they’re going on my list. I’m recommending a TV show today:
Widow’s Bay on Apple TV - This is a comedy horror its super funny and scary! Really enjoying this. First four are already out and the last two come out tonight 5/27!
amazing!
haha nico you scared me! 🐦